she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
