everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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