I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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