dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I checked into jail on foursquare
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
