a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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