don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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