Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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