Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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