I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
