chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
