My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
