Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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