He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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