I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
