you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
