Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
she told me i tasted like america
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize