Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
