I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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