dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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