My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
We talked him into tasing himself.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
