Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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