You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
