Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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