I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
