Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
