I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
why do cheetos always look like penises
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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