just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Farmville is her only friend.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
