Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
