it was like his penis was on wheels.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
