We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i dont even know how to be here
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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