i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize