I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
