: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
