Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
