R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
