I accidentally burped into my bong.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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