If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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