So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
