so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
