is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
FUCK WHALES
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
