I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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