it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
