Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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