Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Even the bartender felt bad for me
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
