Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
