My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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