there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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