I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
