I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
