Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Dicks are not precious.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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