He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
