I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
