She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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