I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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