rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
