She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
