i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
