If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
