Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
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