Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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