hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
