My room smells like vodka and shame
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
